


To be loved

by minhyukspout



Series: To Be Loved And To Love [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 10:49:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18519931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minhyukspout/pseuds/minhyukspout
Summary: All Kihyun wanted was to be loved and to love.





	To be loved

All Kihyun wanted was to be loved and to love. And loving he did. He gave himself 300% in each of his relationships. He always gave everything he could to his partner. He had started to realise after his last relationship how he always put everyone before him. It was his default and sometimes it was good but often it ruined his life. And he did it too with his friends. Even when he wasn’t feeling ok, he felt like it was his duty to just be there for the people around him. It was all natural to him. So, of course it hurt when he realises no one makes him their priority.

All Kihyun did was love. He found joy in it too. But sometimes it hurt like a bitch to see he wasn’t being loved back. And Kihyun is a rational person, he knows he can’t make everyone love him and be a priority in everyone’s life. But sometimes it would be nice if people didn’t leave him after promising not to. There’s always this thought in the back of his head that he’s the one loving more in the relationship and he’s mostly right, he thinks, seeing how everyone leaves him after a few months. And sometimes those ephemeral friendship are good, they don’t really hurt because they both fell out of it. But most of the time they really hurt. Because he’s still here, trying and loving with all his might. But he’s alone. He always ends up alone.

Bonding in real life has become harder for Kihyun. He doesn’t really know how to do it anymore and he’s scared to put himself out there and being subjected to the judging looks. And so he found comfort in online relationships. Because they’re easier and more often than not, people are nicer. It’s easy to open-up and find people with the same interests. It’s also easier for people to forget about you. Those relationships can be as beautiful as they can hurt. But he was getting used to being left because this was basically a constant in his life now.

His last relationship had been both the most beautiful thing he had ever lived but also the most painful. Two months after and Kihyun could still feel the tears in his eyes when he thought about it. It had started really nice and soft. They had clicked really quickly, the conversation flowed easily. The person was really nice and they made him smile. Soon, they started texting daily and none of them could stop it. He spent his trip glued to his phone because nothing was as good as they were. His crush developed quickly, without him noticing. And when he did, he panicked. Because there was no way it was reciprocated (yes it was, you dummy). He truly had nothing to offer that could make someone actually like him and want to be with him. And even if the feelings were mutual, online relationships meant a long-distance relationship and Kihyun wasn’t sure he was ready for that. One thing lead to another and they both confessed and Kihyun found himself falling fast. Scarily fast. He decided it was worth the risk. Something that felt so good could not be bad. Right?  
And it felt so good. Because for once, Kihyun was loved back. He loved and was loved just as much. And what a weird happy feeling it is to feel loved. He finally knew how it felt and he wasn’t planning on letting it go anytime soon. Except the universe didn’t let him have this.  
Kihyun was disappointed in himself. He had let his guard down. He had let himself believe, believe that this was actually happening, that he wouldn’t be left alone this time. Because Kihyun fell in love and he fell hard. Too hard. It was small at the beginning. Enough to give the other some space to think and to take some time for themselves. But Kihyun had never been very impatient and more than anything he hated not understanding and being left in the dark. So he confronted his partner. But he never got any answer. It went back to normal the next few days? But soon enough Kihyun was pushed away again. Slowly, his partner started to ignore him and exclude him from his life. Many fights came. Each new thing left Kihyun more and more alone. More tired. More hurt. He knew the best thing to do was to get himself out of this situation, he really did. But it was so hard. He hoped everything would go back to normal at one point. Except it didn’t and it kept getting worse. One day he finally decided to break up and yet he still got no answer. And all Kihyun could think was if he did the right thing or why wasn’t he enough. The last one stuck with him.  
Was he not good enough to be loved? Was he not good enough that he didn’t even deserve an explanation? Was he not good enough that forgetting him was so easy? All he could do was hope and cry. Cry how he missed them. Cry how he still loved them so much. And even two months after he still goes to sleep thinking about them, imagining having them back in his life.

But, to be honest, his life improved so much in the last two months. It’s not always easy and he’s still so so in love. But he started to enjoy things again. To not have his happiness depend on someone else was incredibly freeing. He could finally see through all the small lies he had been fed and how bad he had been treated, how he had let someone else’s feelings come before his. Those three months had been harder than he had realised. He wish he had realised it sooner to save a bit of himself but now was too late and all he could do was heal. Trying to heal his broken heart. Trying to not let his insecurities get the best of him at a time where they had all came back full force after being left again. Now was his time to grow and learn to put himself first.

So all Kihyun wanted was to be loved and to love. But for once, the one he wanted to love and be loved by was himself. For once, he was his own priority. Trying to heal himself from all those wounds. Learning that it was okay to be hurt and that it should be taken into account by the people in his life. Maybe he’ll meet someone who will love him just as much as he loves people soon. Maybe not. For now, all he wants is to focus on himself and enjoy life as much as he can because for the first time in a long time he feels free. And it feels really good.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first work and it's a bit heart breaking. I hope you liked it and thank you for reading.


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